Social Filter = Off

[ragani]

You know when someone does something rude or inconsiderate in public, and you really want to say something, but your social filter prevents you because it is not socially acceptable? Sure, we will say many a derisive thing in our cars at that guy who just cut us off, but you will probably never face him in person, so your filter is on low, or even off.

How about when you see someone do something very minor, and probably not even meant with malice at all, but you really want to point it out to them?

I was walking to my favorite cafe to get my morning coffee when this older, obviously well-off woman runs around me right before I get there, and runs into the cafe and gets in line to order. I came-up right behind her, and the phrase that popped into my head was: So you did just rush past me to get in front of me in line?

I only hesitated a second before deciding to say it anyway.
No, really, I did.

She was startled to say the least, and a little flustered, saying something about how she sometimes just likes to run. She then asked if I would like to go in front of her if I was in a hurry. Well since the line was indeed long enough that it was going take a while, I pointed out that I was on my coffee break, so it would be helpful. She confessed to being retired, and not in a hurry at all, and stepped back to let me in front of her.

OK, that is it, really. Nothing else really came of it. We stood in slightly awkward silence waiting for our turns to order. I got a mocha, to go, and she ordered eggs and coffee to eat there, and obviously was a regular. The only other thing that happened, which had little to do with the first interaction, was that she was distracted when her change was being handed back, so I took it and handed it to her.

Why am I posting about this? Well, I feel a bit triumphant that I actually said what I wanted to say and did not let my social filter stop me, and yet it did not turn into an ugly scene. Usually I only go that far when I am truly angry, and I was not particularly angry this time, just a little miffed.

Do any of you have incidents where you did say or wish you had said what was on your mind to a stranger in public?

Edit: And how did you feel about it if you did (or didn't) say what you wanted?

Comments

[tshuma]

How about to your roommate in your own home, which is only "public" because he has a date with him whom you've only met briefly once?

The short form: Yes.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

Ah, the guest-of-a-roommate brand of stranger. I am familiar with how they can change the situation, and how what you need to say becomes even more socially awkward simply because they are in your home. However, there is always that chance that you will run into this guest on future occasions, so some people might let that effect their actions.

How did you feel about saying or not saying what you wanted?

[tshuma]

Impatient. What I want to say will get said, but I'm waiting for her to go home first. If she doesn't before it's clearly time for the next date to show up, then I'll speak in front of her. It does involve her a tiny bit, after all.

[zhaneel69.livejournal.com]

This weekend, a man who I do not care for very much given the way he has treated his [soon to be ex]-wife and child came up and engaged me in coversation. He was obviously trying for the pity card and being able to tell "his" side of the story. I wasn't interested in hearing it and there was a particular remark he made about how envious he was that I got to spend time with his son [intimating that he'd been out of state when the most recent occurance was a direct result of him not being able to handle a full day with his son so I volunteered for the next weekend].

I bristled and wanted to point out such to him. But I didn't. I didn't know how to be mean. I stood there, made idle conversation about what a joy the boy is, and then retreated at the first opportunity.

I railed at many friends throughout the rest of the day. It bothered me greatly that I have so much vitrol for this man and yet stood and smiled and chatted.

FanBoy offered me the following out, knowing how much I dislike being mean: I'm sorry, [name], but my husband has requested that I not speak with you.

Cop out? Sure. But it is something I can say to get rid of the man.

Zhaneel

[tshuma]

But at that point, is it so much worse to say: "I'm sorry, but I'd prefer not to speak with you." ? I'm just curious.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

This seems to be a choice of making you uncomfortable, or making someone you dislike uncomfortable. I would vote for the option that makes you the least uncomfortable and stays true to you. If that is to not say anything, or just make small-talk, fine. But, if you really just want to say something like I would rather not talk about this situation with you, because it makes me uncomfortable then perhaps you will feel more empowered in the long-run. I guess I am trying to see the big picture of a moment of awkward that could results in a reduction of future awkward situations, since you will have set your boundary.

I mean really, is it inconsiderate or rude for you to set your boundaries with someone you dislike but are forced to be around?

[zhaneel69.livejournal.com]

It is not worse to say to the person, but I do not want to deal with the inevitable "But why?!?!!?" from the male in question. He cannot leave well enough alone, nor does he take a hint. He runs in Faire circles and such a comment was common. FanBoy has the backbone to deal with him and to dress him down while I do not.

Am I weak because of it? Yes. But this option is more than I usually do so it is empowering to me at this point.

Zhaneel

[ragani.livejournal.com]

I am from a family that did not hide things much, so arguments were had in front of the kids, even when they were about us kids. So, it is somewhat normal for me to be upfront about my feelings, even when I am angry or disappointed, which has put-off some of my close friends who are not used to that.

However, as a roommate, it seems like asking him to come talk with you in private about household business while she is there is not uncalled for. It if relates to her being there, that might even be more reason to bring it up before she leaves so he can address it right away.

[zhaneel69.livejournal.com]

I have a very hard time being mean to someone in a social situation. I very much want to see all sides and I just dislike causing pain. Even when deserved and even to help prevent the pain I'm causing myself by not being mean.

I have never been able to set such a boundary before. FanBoy has given me an option that will help set that boundary and is more direct that I have been in the past. It is not the most direct method and nor does it truly give me all the power. I recognize that. But it is something I feel I can do to help rid myself of an unwanted situation without feeling like shit 'cause I hurt someone.

As noted above, it also gives me the out of not having to deal with inevitable "Why" that would follow such a declaration.

Zhaneel

[tshuma]

Perhaps if he ever leaves the bedroom for any significant period of time, I will. =) I did bring that up as an option, but I'm still not prepared to interrupt his morning.

It's not urgent now (although it could have been at 3 AM), just something that needs to be discussed today.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

Setting any boundary seems like a good idea at this point, regardless if it is from you or through FanBoy's option.

Typically, I am much like you, in that I don't like to cause people to be uncomfortable socially, even to prevent me from feeling uncomfortable. We are compassionate people, and if the other person is at all compassionate, it is likely that he will respect your stated boundary if you let him know he is making you feel awkward. This is a great opportunity to practice setting your boundaries, even if you use the option of blaming FanBoy for your silence.

I am really sorry. I feel awkward talking with you, especially since [FanBoy] asked me not to.

[whuffle.livejournal.com]

I did this just yesterday at the post office. I was standing there waiting to mail 3 packages and this guy just steps in front of me. "What?" I thought, "did I leave too much space between me and the guy in front of me for you to get that I was part of the line?" So I gently touched his shoulder and said "The line actually ends there." And pointed to the guy who was behind me already and hadn't said anything. The rude man looked startled. Then he oblidgingly went back behind me and the other guy to the end of the line. Which was a good thing because there was one teller moving very slowly and it would have taken me longer than the 1/2 hour it did take if I hadn't said something

[japlady.livejournal.com]

Can you HONESTLY think of me keeping my opinions to myself?

[veryloki.livejournal.com]

This is a good subject! I too have an inner filter, but over the past couple of years it has morphed so that it now translates my response in such situations into more diplomatic language, rather than squelching it entirely.

For example, when someone tries to cut in line (as happened on Saturday), I now point out to them where the end of the line is, rather than accusing them of cutting, even if I believe they are perfectly aware of where the end of the line is.

Of course, some people refuse to take a hint, and they may need be dealt with in a more blunt manner. Whether this is worth the risk of an ugly confrontation depends on the situation...

[lysana.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah. Back at the SF Zoo a few weeks ago, there were two men who were getting into a shouting match over some perceived slight against the child of one of them by the other. They were about three people away from me, and it was becoming ugly. I drew on my acting training and projected over the muttering and snarking, "Both of you, please, shut up!" They did long enough for their wives to be able to gain proper control of the situation (and please, nobody make any gender-based cracks about this, or I'll drop my social filter in this LJ).

[emberleo.livejournal.com]

Hrm, I tend to go ahead and speak, but try to be cheerful?

I'm willing to be downright assertive about some things, and let others slide entirely...

I'm also a lot more likely to be assertive if a friend is with me and fretting about it.

--Ember--

[ragani.livejournal.com]

Parents defending children often seems to trigger some primal level of reaction. Personally, I can imagine wanting to say even more to those parents about what kind of bad example they were setting to their children on how to handle conflict (not to mention how much they were acting like children themselves).

I have seen my dad get very angry about something a stranger has done to be rude to me or a sibling, and decided to confront said stranger. Looking back on times either he or I have approached a situation like this, it seems like any of the times they were approached with anger they never resulted in a satisfactory outcome. Something for me to ponder....

[ragani.livejournal.com]

And I have seen you do this. Like the time we asked those patrons to not smoke on the bales right next to our work stations at Faire. You were much more cheerful about it than I was, and you stepped up to being assertive because I was fretting about it. I was angry and probably did not approach it as well as you did. At that time, I was so annoyed that I did not care what they thought of me, because I felt that they were being inconsiderate of us to begin with.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

So I guess the question for you than is: Do you find that you get better results when you express your anger while speaking-up or when you are polite or even cheerful about it.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

Cutting in line seems to be a hot-bed of potential conflicts. No one likes to wait in line to begin with, and self-righteous people like me feel the need to make sure injustices like line-cutting are not gotten away with. Yeah, the filter typically kicks-in and if I do say something, it is usually an attempt at a polite version of what I wanted to say. Unless I am very angry, which is a different story, and usually reserved for those that just don't take a hint.

In the case in my post it was a choice of [filter off] saying what popped into my head, [filter on high] ignoring the situation (and probably feel a building of irritation at this woman the whole time I was in line with her), or [filter on low] ask if she was in a hurry and if not if she would mind me advancing in line. I chose not to engage the filter at all, which felt rather liberating, and appealed to my sense of self-righteousness which wanted her to know that she had been (probably inadvertently) rude. If I picked filter low, I would have probably left her with a charitable feeling of having let me advance in line. Instead I probably left with a feeling shame, and a mild feeling of charity.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

Classic. I think most of us must have been in those shoes at one time or other. I know I have done that on many an occasion. As much as I hate having to be the line police, I hate more the time waisted waiting for people who cut in line.

[japlady.livejournal.com]

actually I try to do it in such a way that the whole room hears it and the person is mortified....

Hey its ME we're talking about here!