To thine own self be true

[ragani]

A couple of things recently have caused me to spend some time thinking about why it is that I don't enjoy playing RPGs anymore. Now, just to be clear, I started playing D&D back in 1980, when most of my friends who game a lot had never even heard of Gary Gygax. In high school I was in the Strategic Games Club (I still have the jacket with my name on it to prove it) and most of my friends were from that crowd. It was fun, but I have to confess I never got into it as much as the guys did (I was one of maybe 5 girls in the club). Mostly I think it was being social that was the main attraction. That, and I was raised on The Hobbit and LOTR books.

Sometime around college I stopped playing altogether. There are many factors, including lack of opportunity and other activities that had become more attractive and time consuming (dancing, faire). I have had made new friends over the years that still game and have asked me why I stopped. I usually just leave it at "I am not into it anymore" and don't elaborate much. Well, since I still have lots of friends who game and now that archanglekhaos has requested abditus run a game in the latest D&D system, I have been wondering myself.

One thing I came to realize about myself recently is that I don't like pretending to be someone else. This is not only in the context of role playing in games, but I also don't think I would ever want to be an actor for a living. Even working at RenFaire I realized I found myself uncomfortable when I was supposed to be a character and not just myself. When I was doing the English side of things, I had a hard time remembering to introduce myself as Rosemary Bungharder, the coopersmiths wife, instead of as Ragani.

shipofools999 posted something that reminded me of this recently. In it, I commented about my realization, and plymouth responded with the following:

I have a similar problem with role playing. I actually find that trying to roleplay makes me REALLY stressed, because I have to go from being the person I have spent 28 years trying to prefect and understand to someone I made up in a couple of hours. SEVERE insecurity induced by not knowing who I am. I stopped trying.

This is a part of why I am uncomfortable with role playing. It seems to be a survival thing.

When I was trying to explain this to archanglekhaos recently I think I must have come across as being somewhat defensive (me, defensive? never!). Well, that is not so surprising if a large root of why I am uncomfortable is that I am defending/asserting who I am.

I was never suggesting that those who do enjoy playing RPGs are flawed (or at least no more flawed than I am for not enjoying them). I will confess that it can make me uncomfortable when I am around someone that to me feels like they are behaving in a disingenuous way. My HS best friend had the habit of picking-up what ever accent was around, and it drove me nuts. A British friend was visiting and she would sound like him within the hour.

The results of the last meme I did put it like this: If you are going to date a Progressive Girl, the one sin you can commit is to be a chameleon. Molding your opinions to fit hers will lose her respect. Whereas, I will admit it does make it difficult to respect someone who is not true to themselves, I don't consider someone who enjoys RPGs or acting the same as being a chameleon in order to manipulate or coerce someone. Quite the contrary, I admire that they are able to enjoy doing something that is scary for me.

If you do or do not enjoy RPGs, do you know why?

Comments

[veryloki.livejournal.com]

I don't role-play any more, but when I did, it was, as rhyler said, nice to stretch the limits of my personality.

In addition, it is fascinating to watch the development of the group dynamics, and how this changes as various characters grow and acquire stronger identities.