To thine own self be true

[ragani]

A couple of things recently have caused me to spend some time thinking about why it is that I don't enjoy playing RPGs anymore. Now, just to be clear, I started playing D&D back in 1980, when most of my friends who game a lot had never even heard of Gary Gygax. In high school I was in the Strategic Games Club (I still have the jacket with my name on it to prove it) and most of my friends were from that crowd. It was fun, but I have to confess I never got into it as much as the guys did (I was one of maybe 5 girls in the club). Mostly I think it was being social that was the main attraction. That, and I was raised on The Hobbit and LOTR books.

Sometime around college I stopped playing altogether. There are many factors, including lack of opportunity and other activities that had become more attractive and time consuming (dancing, faire). I have had made new friends over the years that still game and have asked me why I stopped. I usually just leave it at "I am not into it anymore" and don't elaborate much. Well, since I still have lots of friends who game and now that archanglekhaos has requested abditus run a game in the latest D&D system, I have been wondering myself.

One thing I came to realize about myself recently is that I don't like pretending to be someone else. This is not only in the context of role playing in games, but I also don't think I would ever want to be an actor for a living. Even working at RenFaire I realized I found myself uncomfortable when I was supposed to be a character and not just myself. When I was doing the English side of things, I had a hard time remembering to introduce myself as Rosemary Bungharder, the coopersmiths wife, instead of as Ragani.

shipofools999 posted something that reminded me of this recently. In it, I commented about my realization, and plymouth responded with the following:

I have a similar problem with role playing. I actually find that trying to roleplay makes me REALLY stressed, because I have to go from being the person I have spent 28 years trying to prefect and understand to someone I made up in a couple of hours. SEVERE insecurity induced by not knowing who I am. I stopped trying.

This is a part of why I am uncomfortable with role playing. It seems to be a survival thing.

When I was trying to explain this to archanglekhaos recently I think I must have come across as being somewhat defensive (me, defensive? never!). Well, that is not so surprising if a large root of why I am uncomfortable is that I am defending/asserting who I am.

I was never suggesting that those who do enjoy playing RPGs are flawed (or at least no more flawed than I am for not enjoying them). I will confess that it can make me uncomfortable when I am around someone that to me feels like they are behaving in a disingenuous way. My HS best friend had the habit of picking-up what ever accent was around, and it drove me nuts. A British friend was visiting and she would sound like him within the hour.

The results of the last meme I did put it like this: If you are going to date a Progressive Girl, the one sin you can commit is to be a chameleon. Molding your opinions to fit hers will lose her respect. Whereas, I will admit it does make it difficult to respect someone who is not true to themselves, I don't consider someone who enjoys RPGs or acting the same as being a chameleon in order to manipulate or coerce someone. Quite the contrary, I admire that they are able to enjoy doing something that is scary for me.

If you do or do not enjoy RPGs, do you know why?

Comments

[devonapple.livejournal.com]

I enjoy gaming because it provides one or more of the following things which I enjoy: socialization, entertainment, puzzle-solving, or cathartic violence.

All of these in a relatively safe outlet, and occasionally with pepperoni and jalapeno pizza.

[egonbrauer.livejournal.com]

And beer. Don't forget the beer.

Speaking of which, I know I'm all sorts of out of touch, but are you guys ever going to come visit? I just moved to a _much_ nicer house, and I've got this nifty brewery and all...

[rhylar.livejournal.com]

personally, I enjoy taking part of my personality out, and examining it, or how that part of me reacts to different circumstances. What I can't do is play a personality that is incompatible with myself. If I try, I stress out & don't enjoy the game. The closest I get is when I play a dashing rogue. In RL, I'm too shy to do anything close to that, but by taking away the consequences, I can try to do more than I do normally. This has helped me deal with some (but far from all) of my shyness issues.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

You ask this during faire season!? So give us occasion. Like a house warming party or some such, even.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

And I can totally see why that would be appealing. A safe place to practice pushing against your bounderies, and expanding your comfort zone. I even appreciate the make-believe aspects, as I can be a day-dreamer. For me, that is less of a need, so it is not enough of a reason to play anymore.

[egonbrauer.livejournal.com]

Working on it. Forgot it was fair season, me.

"Let's Pretend"

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

This is probably TMI, since we haven't met, but we have friends in common so I occasionally see your posts and this sparked my interest.

I never grew up, I guess. I loved playing "let's pretend" when I was a child, and would organize elaborate worlds complete with alien cultures, histories and languages. Then I would drag as many people as I could into my world, helping them craft who they wanted to be. Then we would play, and our characters would grow and mature and live whole lives on sunny afternoons under the redwood trees.

Twenty years later I discovered LARP.

I don't ever remember NOT role playing, though I kept the worlds spinning in my head most of the time in high school. I moved to a new town, and thought that the kids in my high school wouldn't understand my worlds and our adventures in them. It wasn't until college that I realized that there were whole GAMES devoted to "let's pretend". Suddenly, that made my secret obsession OK with the world. I wasn't alone anymore. All the smartest college students with the best imaginations played D&D, or ShadowRun or Champions or even Toon.

I actually played an RPG for a couple of years, mostly because my life has gotten so hectic AND because I've realized that I really am a gaming snob. Very few commercial worlds measure up to my exacting standards, and I get frustrated with GMs/Storytellers who can't be bothered to make up their own world.

I still create stories in my head though, and am very rarely bored.

And I am unashamed to revel in my Peter Pan complex. ;>

[devonapple.livejournal.com]

Yes, beer is very important.

We might enjoy an opportunity to come by and visit you, certainly.

Send your info to devon(at)greentides.com.

[devonapple.livejournal.com]

".. and then it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

[ragani.livejournal.com]

I already mentioned the social aspect for me, and entertainment is implied, but the puzzle-solving aspect is a good point, and one that I do enjoy. When looking for, say, computer/video games, I know I will enjoy the puzzle-solving ones over the cathartic violence ones. For example I would rather watch abditus play Oddworld over Doom, although the violence in Oddworld is fun also, it is only a small (and suitably silly) part of the entertaining story.

And of course, the food.

[veryloki.livejournal.com]

I don't role-play any more, but when I did, it was, as rhyler said, nice to stretch the limits of my personality.

In addition, it is fascinating to watch the development of the group dynamics, and how this changes as various characters grow and acquire stronger identities.

Re: "Let's Pretend"

[ragani.livejournal.com]

Now, as someone who has always had an active imagination, building elaborate worlds, this is an aspect of this kind of game that does interest me. I don't see myself spending loads of time learning the ins-and-outs of the 'system' just so I could build a world, but when friends do bring-up the creation portion, I can follow along well enough to appreciate the work involved in putting together a campaign. So, I guess, you could say I respect the creative process of making the world, weather it is for a RPG of some sort, or a novel, or some other such outlet.

And you should never be ashamed of your Peter Pan complex, especially as long as you can continue to function in the rest of your life and it makes you happy.

Re: "Let's Pretend"

[devonapple.livejournal.com]

Oh! You could take a look at my post about fleshing out a new game world: here.